lost complete touch...

with my inspiration core. Every time I opened Final Draft this week  I closed it, simply lost interest in the story. Someone that inspired me had no idea how to deal with me. I was bumped...Went from flying up in the sky to crashing underground...everything that goes up must come down...but everything that goes underground wakes up higher... people walk into our lives daily but some people, really walk in, they walk in and they make everything stop...had no idea what hit me and where the hell did it come from...I am not talking about SEX, sorry...I am talking about life and how it works... I went to him for answers to come to find that I had the answers all along...I walked in feeling I had nothing to teach..I was put on the hot seat, and what appeared to be all about me was all about him, because it's never about what is said, it's all about what's underneath, the layers that you feel and when I'm feeling I don't ask questions, no need. I am sure I missed a thing or two he said but I did not miss a beat on all those shifts. I have never seen anything as clear as this one, and he thinks I missed the whole thing...overanalyzed, missed the obvious and did not ask the most important question, "what do you see?"...the why, made me loose quite some sleep. Why did he cross my path? Why now?...woke up this morning as if I just came out of hibernation...crystal clear and what do I see, I see where I am at, and I can see even clearer where I am going...where do we go from here? Hm...

someone special...

to me, told me last week that I don't receive compliments very well. True, fact, I don't. Compliments are a part of my daily routine, should have been comfortable in receiving one by now but I still brush half of them off, pretend I didn't hear and so on...But, on the other hand, I give compliments generously. His point was that I am not giving to myself...point well taken. I am a better giver than receiver, I have been going through life giving and when it comes to receiving, well, it makes me feel uncomfortable...so, after I gave it some thought...I started a little experiment, every time someone gave me a compliment, I smiled, said thank you and actually thought of their compliment. In plain english I have been wearing a smile on my face since Friday. 

When people ask...

what do I do, they get "I tell stories"...I consider myself a storyteller, not a writer, not a producer, not an actor and not an editor...Throughout life, my life I thought that I need it because I was born creative and it's a need creative people have, a vehicle they use to express themselves... Today, it hit me why I live my life in need of that, why I suffocate when I am not constantly working towards that...it's a personal journey of discovery, the little kid in me is running all excited with open arms and a big smile and says "mommy mommy look what I found!!!"...through human interaction every day I evolve, every day I discover something new about me and the world I live in... I need to make a full circle journey to have it register with in me what I have learned and where I am at...and I need to share it... it frees me from pain, it rejuvenates me...AND the most important thing I've learned is that I need a team to make it with...it makes it so much more gratifying...

've been going through life...

not telling people what I see. Always thought, it is not in my place, it is their journey, one day they will figure it out...I do give advice generously but I have never told anyone what I really saw...I kind of just watched and when I felt, ok this is not what I need to be surrounded by...when it started taking away from my soul I just  walked, walked away, closed the chapter, learned and moved on. And of course I was called cold hearted because I could just walk away from  a long friendship without trying to at least work it out...I gave people enough leash and I just sat there and watched them hang themselves. That was till one day, someone said to me, "you are setting them up to hang themselves instead of setting boundaries and helping them evolve", that stayed with me, so in my new interactions, I actually said how I felt, still never said what I saw, but communicated the things that bothered me, hurt me. Did that change a thing? Yes, of course, for a second, because people are who they are and what we bring out is what we bring out...dynamics,  it is as simple as that...If I have to tell you how to be, if I have to draw the line for you then I really don't want you in my life. The same way I go home, and think, and come back, and acknowledged a think or two, I expect you to do the same. And the way you treat others, points out to me what you have in you, what you are capable of and what I need to watch out. And friends I need to watch out from, are not true friends.
Life is the most intriguing  gift God has given to mankind  and we get to choose how to unwrap it...
I haven't always been correct, but I have evolved and I made a conscious choice to be who I am today. It helps me sleep better...

"We live...

... in a world that assumes, that the quality of a decision is directly related to the time and effort that went into making it." 

Not in mine. Seeing the big picture and making the decision takes seconds. It's all those times that I did not trust my instincts. My decision that let me into spending so much time and so much effort to come to find out what it took me seconds to know. But I guess I am aging and hopefully I am wiser and I did evolve and life is about learning and here we go. Learning how not to beat up myself and moving on. 

was going through...

the most painful moment of my life, my brother had passed away...I needed something alive in the house and the fish I had bought was not looking too good. So I found myself with this less than a pound little dog that I had no idea what to do with. No one told me raising a dog would have been so much work, that I had to socialize the puppy, she did not want to be socialize, she was two months old and she had an opinion...oh yes, I did pick a very difficult dog, or maybe she picked me since she was the first puppy that looked straight into my eyes and wanted to come home with me...God knew exactly what he was doing, she was the best distraction from what was really going on...read every book on dog behavior, went through every single web site...I was desperate, had people telling me to give away the puppy, that I was not the dog type...I did not want to give up on her, all that was going through my head was how difficult I was as a child, as a teenager I was hell and my parents had faith in me and it is because they never gave up on me I became the person I am today...Ilia has been the second best thing that has ever happened to me, with my brother's birth as the best...
She has taught me patience, she made me realize that it's not all about me...Ilia kept me alive and going when my world as I knew it came to an end...She's with the new chapter, the new version of me...I always say that he had to become an angel for me to become human...
Ilia has turned from a puppy mill gremlin to an amazing dog full of affection. And when I look at her, I know she's my dog, she picked up all my habits but she's still her own little doggy.
Ilia is seven years old today!

A true apology...

does not require forgive and forget. We apologize when we realize, we have hurt someone. It's an acknowledgment. We do it for ourselves and of course for the other person...ourselves, it's for ourselves. We let the other person know we are sorry, we let them take their time and process what went down. We tell them our side, what was going through our head, we share our reality...we give them the upper hand, we let them decide if they still want to grow with us. Great, if they are willing to put it behind them, but some people don't. The moment you get all pissy and try to turn it around  on them, is the moment your apology will go down the garbage bin...
Personally, I can forgive but forgetting...let's say my memory is still rocking...and of course it all depends on what went down, my part in it, how much I was hurt, if it was an honest mistake or it was intentional...
People walk in and out of our lives, it is what it is...this is the town for it. We learn, we grow and we move on.  I don't hold grudges, I wish everyone well. It will break my heart seeing someone suffering, even if they have hurt me. But I do move on, and the people that intentionally harmed me, the people that envy me, love to watch me suffer, or used me are not going to be a part of my journey...even if they have apologized, if they did it once they will do it again. This is who they are, this is how they are programed...people grow but they do not change. Actually let's rephrase it, it takes a very strong person to look inside and change and most don't...
I always say I am not perfect and I love that because it allows me to grow, it makes me human...I am aware I can be very strong at times, harsh, abrupt. But I have never given an advice that was not accurate that did not help someone see, grow, even a complete stranger...and I am aware that I have very little tolerance with people who don't think, who don't say thank you, and who let their ego control their lives.
 I am very thankful today, for the amazing people I do have in my life, who help me be a better person, who have grown with me...true friends are hard to find and the ins and outs help us appreciate them even more...